Monday, October 24, 2011
I was doing really well. I hadn't consumed anything but water, juices, herbal tea and the occasional nut milk. Well today, day 6, I just completely caved. My daughter said she was hungry so i made her this delicious taco with cheese, potato, tempeh bacon. Well then she refused to eat it and was just throwing it on the floor. I was so angry because I really wanted to be eating that food and she could Care less about wasting it. So i just started shoveling it in my mouth. Really it was only like 3 bites but that's enough to get yer stomach moving again and ruin the shutting down process that aids in the removal of toxins. Then I started crying, I feel like a total loser who cannot achieve even the simplest things she sets her mind to. I have been waiting for some big rush of realization to come to me throughout the fast but I have not experienced anything except for a mild blissed out feeling that I think is really probably just starvation. SO what now...start over, I guess. I wanted to eat so bad the whole time, everything was tempting. Well now that I have, I have absolutely no interest in going back to food yet, but I am still really hungry and missing the taste of savory deliciousness. But my new plan is to just keep going. keep plugging away. I am searching for some spirituality here, nothing physical. I don't have any reason to be mad at myself. I am a growing girl who needs the comfort of bread, cheese and salty snacks. I will begin again and not worry about the future. Just remember my intentions and have more focus. More prayer, more meditation. It will work out like its supposed to.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Whooo? Whoo? My baby that's whoo! Im going to attempt to make my little girl look exactly like this baby owl and I'm using this as a starting point and we will just have to wait and see if I can pull it off...HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
UPDATE: I think I pulled it off rather nicely!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Monday, March 1, 2010
Well everyone, Baby Bond is here. Bijou Isadora was born Valentines Day at 5:23pm. She was 7 lbs. 2 ounces and 20 inches long. And she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and to her daddy too. Lets go back to the beginning. It was June 4th, the last day of the school year. I had gone to see my friend in the hospital and got extremely lightheaded. I remember I had to sit down and I felt horrible because I didn't want him to think he was what was making me feel woozy. At work I asked my coworker, who has a baby, how and when she knew she was pregnant, because I was feeling very funny. She had no answers for me. After work we went out to celebrate the last day of work, I joked I was gonna get a good buzz going and then go home and take a pregnancy test. I went to the store and got a cheap PG test. I was so curious to know I took it there in the store's bathroom. I convinced myself that it was a false alarm as I had recently had a LEEP procedure and the nurse had informed me that getting pregnant would be a challenge. I had been heartbroken at the news and had felt like I would never have a child. Well when I saw the two lines on that test, my heart stopped. I was in shock. I floored it back to my house and ran upstairs to show Antonio, who was asleep. I think his response was something like "oh, crazy". It was very anti climactic, but I still didn't believe it and didn't let myself get too excited. The next day I took another test. It was also positive. But I was convinced the test was cheap and therefore possibly old and faulty. I remember telling my friend that I was bummed because I really wanted to be pregnant but I knew it was a fluke. The 6th of June was my birthday. I went out to eat with some friends and on the way to the restaurant, on a whim, I stopped at Walgreens and bought a $20 pregnancy test. I told myself that if this expensive test was positive that it had to be real. So at the restaurant after ordering food, I went to the bathroom and took the test. It was positive!!! I came out to the table and gave my hubby the nod. We just smiled at each other. My friend joined us for dinner and was pressuring me to order some elaborate cocktail, I was like "nah". She didn't understand, 'what on your birthday you re not drinking? Are you pregnant?' and I was so ecstatic, I had to tell her. It was the best birthday ever. I didn't go out, I didn't get wasted, I was just so happy. We stayed home and played board games with our friends. I already felt like a changed person. I felt like I was glowing, although it could have been the horrible sunburn I had gotten while birthday swimming.
During the summer, my morning sickness (or all day sickness rather) was horrible. I was working summer camp at school and everyday I threw up and felt generally awful. Nothing helped me feel better except eating. When I was eating I could manage. But the only thing that sounded appetizing was tater tots and popsicles. So lets just say I started off an the wrong foot nutritionally. I was still barley showing by the time school started and I still looked like myself. But by my 6th month, my body started blowing up, the nausea was gone but I suddenly felt tired, and was already walking like a penguin. I could feel my pelvis and hips rearranging themselves. At my gestational diabetes screening, my midwife told me that while I was in the clear for diabetes, I had high blood pressure and she was concerned about me getting pre-eclampsia. I had over done it with the sweets and fatty foods and my weight gain was disconcerting to my midwife. I was instructed to up my greens intake and cut out sugar. Knife to the heart. Also, I had horrible breakouts on my back. So lets just day that I did not feel like a beautiful blossoming woman. I made it to 8 1/2 months without them, but in the last month, some stretchmarks erupted on my muffin top. I was/am a little bummed, as I have always been a self conscious person. But everyday I feel more accepting of them.
I left work on maternity leave two weeks before my due date of February 11th to get mentally and spatially ready for baby. I tried to busy myself with craft projects and beautifying our baby nook, but truth be told I was freaking bored to death and so impatient. At our last midwife appointment before the birth the midwife told us that she wasn't going to be available the 11th. We were a little confused thinking what if baby was born on time, who would this mystery substitute midwife be and would I be comfortable with a stranger? But then our midwife told us that she had our due date listed as the 14th, because we weren't sure of the date of conception. The 11th came and went and I was taking labor prep herbs and walking and visualizing and having sex and eating spicy food and still no baby. But we weren't overdue yet, so I would just have to wait. On the 13th we laid down around 7 am and were just chatting in bed. Suddenly I felt some slight discomfort which I shrugged off as gas pains. I just hung out in bed talking with hubby and being uncomfortable until 10 am when I finally passed out. It didn't even occur to me that I might be having labor pains. At 1pm I woke up still feeling uncomfortable. I had to go number two like six times and so I figured I had a stomach bug or something. At 3pm we called our midwife who told us to start timing the contractions. I hadn't even realized I was having contractions because they weren't rhythmic, they were sporadic. Eventually they began to have clear beginnings and endings and my man began timing them. By this time they were about 4 minutes apart. I remember when they grew stronger, I felt compelled to push. But my midwife said "NO". Antonio kept trying to get me to eat but I couldn't fathom it, he actually forced a banana into my mouth, thank god, I doubt I could have made it without it. I was holding on to the baby's crib for support and trying to breathe through the pain. I tried several different positions and nothing helped. Then on one of my many toilet trips I saw blood. Yay!!!! It was real; my bloody show. By then my contractions were about 3 minutes apart. Our midwife told us to go ahead and come in. It was 4pm when we left for the birth center. The car ride there was gnarly. I was clinging to the seat belt and whining but I still felt in control, like I could definitely could do this. As soon as I got to the center, a contraction hit. The midwife and her apprentice were asking me questions, but I couldn't answer through the pain. They immediately checked the baby's heart beat and it was scarily slow. They made me get on the bed on my side which helped the baby's heart rate go up. I was 8 inches dilated when I got there, but really wanted to push. I was having stronger and stronger contractions and I wanted to move to the birthing tub. But every time I moved the baby's heartbeat slowed, so I had to stay on my side the whole time. My contractions got harder and harder and I had to wear an oxygen mask. I kept asking to push and they wouldn't let me. I remember the contractions just racking through my body, I felt like I would throw up and so they brought me a bucket. I felt completely at the mercy of my body. They kept making me drink water and emergen-c. The midwife who had stood in for ours was there as were two apprentices. I had an idea of what the birth would be like ahead of time and of course it was nothing like I had imagined. All those women in the room turned out to be a very positive force and I felt honored that they were all there to help me, but in actuality it was Antonio who I wanted most. In the birth video you can see me pulling on his neck and he just rolls with the punches and is so caring and helpful. It was his voice who I heard above everyone elses. I remember the stand-in midwife coming over to hold my hand and I just said "hello" and then dug my nails into her arm as a contraction hit, I didn't let go of her until the baby came out. I kept asking my man to help me "help me please". I told the midwives that I didn't think I could do it, and they assured me that I could and I was. I also would occasionally scream "ffffuuuuuuccccckkkkk" and the times when I was able to breathe through the contractions, repeating "okay" became my mantra. After what seemed an eternity but was really only a little over an hour, I was given the okay to push. Pushing was hard but actually a relief. Her head was starting to crown and after each contraction would pass the midwives would tell me to hold her head there, and let my self stretch out. The time between contractions were like little utopias, I was very happy to be near the end and closer to meeting my baby. As I was pushing my water broke and shot across the room in an arc of brown liquid, almost hitting an apprentice in the face and seriously drenching everyone else. Antonio took my hand and placed it on the baby's head, but I couldn't really tell the difference between my own swollen skin and her head and it was more of a distraction from my job so I pulled my hand away and got back to pushing. All of the sudden I feel her head push out and I was squealing in impatience as I pushed out the rest of her. Suddenly she was on my chest, she was so little and bluish. I remember asking if she was dead. But they rubbed her down and the color of life came into her. Wow. It was amazing. I just looked into Antonio's face and neither of us could believe it was real. I held her close to me just studying her. I had to squat down on the side of the bed and cough, then my placenta came out in a warm little flood. What a relief! The midwives cleaned me up while daddy cut the chord. This part of the journey was over. Our moms showed up and my mama brought me tacos. We laid in bed for the first time as a family as our moms met Bijou. It was magical. After a couple of hours and nice hot shower for me, we got to go home with our perfect little pickle and the next part of the journey began!!!!!!! Now, two weeks after baby's arrival, I am dealing with my new body and dealing with all the excitement and fear of parenthood. I worry when she cries and I am enamored with her little face, I can't get over my love for her and I'm excited for this new chapter in my life.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The tide lingers low
The sky slumps to meet her
The two so handsome in their courtship
But they bicker and they bully one another
As do you and I
With each ragged blow
Upon the others meager ego
One belittles, one rebukes it
You’d think they’d be fit to pack it in
But such a love will never die
The two wrangle on wearily
They follow the curves with the palms of their hands
The duo digress into wantonness
Seething and singing, their mutual need is unmatched
While she talks, he considers their communion,
...He cannot say but she knows, his heart is for her
I belabor this love voluntarily
I slip up tremendously but spread my heart wide; like a fan
He makes demands and I acquiesce
With a barrage of soliloquies which I have dispatched
If we were not so committed to this union,
…. such impassioned discord would never occur
Friday, February 5, 2010
1) Respect yourself. Never belittle yourself on the basis of your intellect, physicality, financial status, or any thing else in front of your child. If she thinks you think you are fabulous, she will not only think you are fabulous also, but she will not mimic these behaviors by belittling herself.
2) Respect your partner. Never belittle your partner for any of the above mentioned reasons. And try not to fight in front of your kids. Familial discord breeds insecurity in children.
3) Respect your kid and their choices. Allow their creativity and their freedom of discovery.
4)Respect others. Try not to make negative comments about others. You are an adult and you understand that you are just venting but to your kids, who are like little sponges, you may be passing on prejudice.
5) Try to dwell on the positive in life. The world is a fucked up place, horrible people are everywhere, disease and suffering and crime run rampant. But there is also so much beauty and good in the world. Teach your kid about the magic that still exists and let them be kids while they can. On the other hand, don't raise naive kids. Teach them to be aware of their surroundings and arm them with knowledge.
6) Teach your kids that no matter how little they have, there is always someone less fortunate than them. Teach your kids to do unto others as they would have done to them and to help out the less fortunate.
7) Respect the planet and the things that live on it. Teach your kiddos to do the same. Be earth wise; recycle, reuse, reduce your waste and be mindful of the planet's current fragility.
8) Have fun! Love life! Attack every moment and enjoy. Do the things that you want to do and don't stop pursuing your dreams because you had a kid. In the end you will only have regrets or be resentful. And when you are happy you will infuse happiness into the lives of those around you, kids and partner included.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Ima be there, you should come too
UPDATE: my baked goods were God awful, and not too easy on the eyes either, but I guess unsuspecting buyers purchased them nonetheless because this little bake sale raised nearly $800 and I am happy to have been a part of it.