The Life

Juice Fastidious

2011-10-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

I was doing really well. I hadn't consumed anything but water, juices, herbal tea and the occasional nut milk. Well today, day 6, I just completely caved. My daughter said she was hungry so i made her this delicious taco with cheese, potato, tempeh bacon. Well then she refused to eat it and was just throwing it on the floor. I was so angry because I really wanted to be eating that food and she could Care less about wasting it. So i just started shoveling it in my mouth. Really it was only like 3 bites but that's enough to get yer stomach moving again and ruin the shutting down process that aids in the removal of toxins. Then I started crying, I feel like a total loser who cannot achieve even the simplest things she sets her mind to. I have been waiting for some big rush of realization to come to me throughout the fast but I have not experienced anything except for a mild blissed out feeling that I think is really probably just starvation. SO what now...start over, I guess. I wanted to eat so bad the whole time, everything was tempting. Well now that I have, I have absolutely no interest in going back to food yet, but I am still really hungry and missing the taste of savory deliciousness. But my new plan is to just keep going. keep plugging away. I am searching for some spirituality here, nothing physical. I don't have any reason to be mad at myself. I am a growing girl who needs the comfort of bread, cheese and salty snacks. I will begin again and not worry about the future. Just remember my intentions and have more focus. More prayer, more meditation. It will work out like its supposed to.

Halloweeny for my Teenie

2011-10-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

Whooo? Whoo? My baby that's whoo! Im going to attempt to make my little girl look exactly like this baby owl and I'm using this as a starting point and we will just have to wait and see if I can pull it off...HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!
UPDATE: I think I pulled it off rather nicely!

to my heavenly creature...

2011-09-24T02:18:00.000-07:00

I See Rainbows!!

2011-09-23T00:16:00.000-07:00

xo

2011-08-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

My hubby

2011-04-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

Are you planning a wedding? Are you in need of a florist whose work embodies the spirit of your special day? Look no further....xoxo

To my faithful follower, this one's for you...kind of

2011-01-19T16:36:00.000-08:00

I realized just a moment ago that I created this blog, not for other people, but for me. It is a shameless, self-serving, ongoing rant about everything that pisses me off, fills me with joy, and keeps me going when the going gets tough. More likely than not, there is someone, somewhere that will find at least one item on this blog interesting, and so in that way, I guess it kind of is, like, a public service. An act of generosity, if you will. I am a giver, always have been. This blog is like my music, and the clean up when I create here is a breeze. Unlike the tangled chords of instruments and turned over ink bottles of craft projects gone awry. So anyway ...long story short, I'm back. After my, I dunno, maybe a year-long hiatus, I'm finally back to once again unload my petty baggage unto the world. I am going to post pictures of rich peoples houses, and recipes for really good cake, and heartwarming stories of a parental nature, and songs i like, and craft ideas, and poetry i wrote, and poetry i wish i wrote, and pictures of shoes, and other relatively mundane, often trivial ramblings. I will perjure and plagiarize. I will commit run on sentences, I will be racist, and sexist, and ageist, and opinionated, and wrong, and dumb, and totally grammatically incorrect. I will be wise, and catty, and snarky, and funny, and crude, and rude, and real... and silly, and juvenile, and honest and not feel bad about it. Can you get into that? I don't care, I'm not doing it for you. I hope you enjoy it. And I love you.XOXOh. Cam

My Birth Story.....

2010-03-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

This story is long, but I wanted to include everything....

Well everyone, Baby Bond is here. Bijou Isadora was born Valentines Day at 5:23pm. She was 7 lbs. 2 ounces and 20 inches long. And she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and to her daddy too. Lets go back to the beginning. It was June 4th, the last day of the school year. I had gone to see my friend in the hospital and got extremely lightheaded. I remember I had to sit down and I felt horrible because I didn't want him to think he was what was making me feel woozy. At work I asked my coworker, who has a baby, how and when she knew she was pregnant, because I was feeling very funny. She had no answers for me. After work we went out to celebrate the last day of work, I joked I was gonna get a good buzz going and then go home and take a pregnancy test. I went to the store and got a cheap PG test. I was so curious to know I took it there in the store's bathroom. I convinced myself that it was a false alarm as I had recently had a LEEP procedure and the nurse had informed me that getting pregnant would be a challenge. I had been heartbroken at the news and had felt like I would never have a child. Well when I saw the two lines on that test, my heart stopped. I was in shock. I floored it back to my house and ran upstairs to show Antonio, who was asleep. I think his response was something like "oh, crazy". It was very anti climactic, but I still didn't believe it and didn't let myself get too excited. The next day I took another test. It was also positive. But I was convinced the test was cheap and therefore possibly old and faulty. I remember telling my friend that I was bummed because I really wanted to be pregnant but I knew it was a fluke. The 6th of June was my birthday. I went out to eat with some friends and on the way to the restaurant, on a whim, I stopped at Walgreens and bought a $20 pregnancy test. I told myself that if this expensive test was positive that it had to be real. So at the restaurant after ordering food, I went to the bathroom and took the test. It was positive!!! I came out to the table and gave my hubby the nod. We just smiled at each other. My friend joined us for dinner and was pressuring me to order some elaborate cocktail, I was like "nah". She didn't understand, 'what on your birthday you re not drinking? Are you pregnant?' and I was so ecstatic, I had to tell her. It was the best birthday ever. I didn't go out, I didn't get wasted, I was just so happy. We stayed home and played board games with our friends. I already felt like a changed person. I felt like I was glowing, although it could have been the horrible sunburn I had gotten while birthday swimming.
During the summer, my morning sickness (or all day sickness rather) was horrible. I was working summer camp at school and everyday I threw up and felt generally awful. Nothing helped me feel better except eating. When I was eating I could manage. But the only thing that sounded appetizing was tater tots and popsicles. So lets just say I started off an the wrong foot nutritionally. I was still barley showing by the time school started and I still looked like myself. But by my 6th month, my body started blowing up, the nausea was gone but I suddenly felt tired, and was already walking like a penguin. I could feel my pelvis and hips rearranging themselves. At my gestational diabetes screening, my midwife told me that while I was in the clear for diabetes, I had high blood pressure and she was concerned about me getting pre-eclampsia. I had over done it with the sweets and fatty foods and my weight gain was disconcerting to my midwife. I was instructed to up my greens intake and cut out sugar. Knife to the heart. Also, I had horrible breakouts on my back. So lets just day that I did not feel like a beautiful blossoming woman. I made it to 8 1/2 months without them, but in the last month, some stretchmarks erupted on my muffin top. I was/am a little bummed, as I have always been a self conscious person. But everyday I feel more accepting of them.
I left work on maternity leave two weeks before my due date of February 11th to get mentally and spatially ready for baby. I tried to busy myself with craft projects and beautifying our baby nook, but truth be told I was freaking bored to death and so impatient. At our last midwife appointment before the birth the midwife told us that she wasn't going to be available the 11th. We were a little confused thinking what if baby was born on time, who would this mystery substitute midwife be and would I be comfortable with a stranger? But then our midwife told us that she had our due date listed as the 14th, because we weren't sure of the date of conception. The 11th came and went and I was taking labor prep herbs and walking and visualizing and having sex and eating spicy food and still no baby. But we weren't overdue yet, so I would just have to wait. On the 13th we laid down around 7 am and were just chatting in bed. Suddenly I felt some slight discomfort which I shrugged off as gas pains. I just hung out in bed talking with hubby and being uncomfortable until 10 am when I finally passed out. It didn't even occur to me that I might be having labor pains. At 1pm I woke up still feeling uncomfortable. I had to go number two like six times and so I figured I had a stomach bug or something. At 3pm we called our midwife who told us to start timing the contractions. I hadn't even realized I was having contractions because they weren't rhythmic, they were sporadic. Eventually they began to have clear beginnings and endings and my man began timing them. By this time they were about 4 minutes apart. I remember when they grew stronger, I felt compelled to push. But my midwife said "NO". Antonio kept trying to get me to eat but I couldn't fathom it, he actually forced a banana into my mouth, thank god, I doubt I could have made it without it. I was holding on to the baby's crib for support and trying to breathe through the pain. I tried several different positions and nothing helped. Then on one of my many toilet trips I saw blood. Yay!!!! It was real; my bloody show. By then my contractions were about 3 minutes apart. Our midwife told us to go ahead and come in. It was 4pm when we left for the birth center. The car ride there was gnarly. I was clinging to the seat belt and whining but I still felt in control, like I could definitely could do this. As soon as I got to the center, a contraction hit. The midwife and her apprentice were asking me questions, but I couldn't answer through the pain. They immediately checked the baby's heart beat and it was scarily slow. They made me get on the bed on my side which helped the baby's heart rate go up. I was 8 inches dilated when I got there, but really wanted to push. I was having stronger and stronger contractions and I wanted to move to the birthing tub. But every time I moved the baby's heartbeat slowed, so I had to stay on my side the whole time. My contractions got harder and harder and I had to wear an oxygen mask. I kept asking to push and they wouldn't let me. I remember the contractions just racking through my body, I felt like I would throw up and so they brought me a bucket. I felt completely at the mercy of my body. They kept making me drink water and emergen-c. The midwife who had stood in for ours was there as were two apprentices. I had an idea of what the birth would be like ahead of time and of course it was nothing like I had imagined. All those women in the room turned out to be a very positive force and I felt honored that they were all there to help me, but in actuality it was Antonio who I wanted most. In the birth video you can see me pulling on his neck and he just rolls with the punches and is so caring and helpful. It was his voice who I heard above everyone elses. I remember the stand-in midwife coming over to hold my hand and I just said "hello" and then dug my nails into her arm as a contraction hit, I didn't let go of her until the baby came out. I kept asking my man to help me "help me please". I told the midwives that I didn't think I could do it, and they assured me that I could and I was. I also would occasionally scream "ffffuuuuuuccccckkkkk" and the times when I was able to breathe through the contractions, repeating "okay" became my mantra. After what seemed an eternity but was really only a little over an hour, I was given the okay to push. Pushing was hard but actually a relief. Her head was starting to crown and after each contraction would pass the midwives would tell me to hold her head there, and let my self stretch out. The time between contractions were like little utopias, I was very happy to be near the end and closer to meeting my baby. As I was pushing my water broke and shot across the room in an arc of brown liquid, almost hitting an apprentice in the face and seriously drenching everyone else. Antonio took my hand and placed it on the baby's head, but I couldn't really tell the difference between my own swollen skin and her head and it was more of a distraction from my job so I pulled my hand away and got back to pushing. All of the sudden I feel her head push out and I was squealing in impatience as I pushed out the rest of her. Suddenly she was on my chest, she was so little and bluish. I remember asking if she was dead. But they rubbed her down and the color of life came into her. Wow. It was amazing. I just looked into Antonio's face and neither of us could believe it was real. I held her close to me just studying her. I had to squat down on the side of the bed and cough, then my placenta came out in a warm little flood. What a relief! The midwives cleaned me up while daddy cut the chord. This part of the journey was over. Our moms showed up and my mama brought me tacos. We laid in bed for the first time as a family as our moms met Bijou. It was magical. After a couple of hours and nice hot shower for me, we got to go home with our perfect little pickle and the next part of the journey began!!!!!!! Now, two weeks after baby's arrival, I am dealing with my new body and dealing with all the excitement and fear of parenthood. I worry when she cries and I am enamored with her little face, I can't get over my love for her and I'm excited for this new chapter in my life.

a poem for yous....

2010-02-06T13:43:00.000-08:00

The Mistral

The tide lingers low

The sky slumps to meet her

The two so handsome in their courtship

But they bicker and they bully one another

As do you and I

With each ragged blow

Upon the others meager ego

One belittles, one rebukes it

You’d think they’d be fit to pack it in

But such a love will never die

The two wrangle on wearily

They follow the curves with the palms of their hands

The duo digress into wantonness

Seething and singing, their mutual need is unmatched

While she talks, he considers their communion,

...He cannot say but she knows, his heart is for her

I belabor this love voluntarily

I slip up tremendously but spread my heart wide; like a fan

He makes demands and I acquiesce

With a barrage of soliloquies which I have dispatched

If we were not so committed to this union,

…. such impassioned discord would never occur

painting

The Mom Rules

2010-02-05T20:18:00.000-08:00

These are rules I have written for myself, everyone may not agree but these are the things I think are most important. I am considering my first baby's birth as a sort of rebirth for myself. A new year and with it: new years resolutions.

1) Respect yourself. Never belittle yourself on the basis of your intellect, physicality, financial status, or any thing else in front of your child. If she thinks you think you are fabulous, she will not only think you are fabulous also, but she will not mimic these behaviors by belittling herself.

2) Respect your partner. Never belittle your partner for any of the above mentioned reasons. And try not to fight in front of your kids. Familial discord breeds insecurity in children.

3) Respect your kid and their choices. Allow their creativity and their freedom of discovery.

4)Respect others. Try not to make negative comments about others. You are an adult and you understand that you are just venting but to your kids, who are like little sponges, you may be passing on prejudice.

5) Try to dwell on the positive in life. The world is a fucked up place, horrible people are everywhere, disease and suffering and crime run rampant. But there is also so much beauty and good in the world. Teach your kid about the magic that still exists and let them be kids while they can. On the other hand, don't raise naive kids. Teach them to be aware of their surroundings and arm them with knowledge.

6) Teach your kids that no matter how little they have, there is always someone less fortunate than them. Teach your kids to do unto others as they would have done to them and to help out the less fortunate.

7) Respect the planet and the things that live on it. Teach your kiddos to do the same. Be earth wise; recycle, reuse, reduce your waste and be mindful of the planet's current fragility.

8) Have fun! Love life! Attack every moment and enjoy. Do the things that you want to do and don't stop pursuing your dreams because you had a kid. In the end you will only have regrets or be resentful. And when you are happy you will infuse happiness into the lives of those around you, kids and partner included.

Apartment Aspirations

2010-02-05T19:51:00.000-08:00

this place rox...

vegan bake sale for Haiti

2010-01-23T21:30:00.000-08:00

Ima be there, you should come too

UPDATE: my baked goods were God awful, and not too easy on the eyes either, but I guess unsuspecting buyers purchased them nonetheless because this little bake sale raised nearly $800 and I am happy to have been a part of it.

mas cuartos y lo que no

2010-01-23T20:27:00.000-08:00

my heart is not a mountain

2010-01-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

my heart is not a mountain
my heart is not so strong
timber, for my limbs are falling
cascading down to earth
and heavy, hear my morrow calling
i seek a pillow, a bed, a glowing hearth

fetch me, my lover, a quilt
to wrap these bones
this trembling flesh
my memories betray me still
oh weary gnomes
the keepers of my trouble
the tillers of my field
tiny toilers of my busy mind
who keep my sick concealed

my life's become a quest
but for what am i searching
guide my aging hands
but touch soft upon this skin
that i may one day become the land

oh aching spine
the earth's collapsing crust
the bending branches of my body
do honor, and do trust
i will bend into you
and let me sway
i will give in to you
like night to day

and as these ligaments of mine
they wither
and as the sinews start to fray
i will unwind unrelenting into you
i will break, i will obey
my holiest mountain, not my heart but yours
you are the religion that is truest, and of course
you are the end and the beginning
i have been vainglorious, i have overlooked the source

now, feet facing backwards
i am ready to walk home
knowing finally that she is here with me
knowing at last what will be done
the purpose is pointless
we journey all the same
to find the seed and reap a harvest
in an otherwise infertile plain
to milk the marrow of our bones
and feel the real
the pulsing of our veins

for sustenance, for guidance and fortitude
we clamber on, we cannot remain
we will arrive, at this journey's end
with the question dusted from our lips
we are the reason, we are the answer
we are life's intent

painting by amy ross

Spaces etc

2010-01-08T01:01:00.000-08:00

I got these pics from Whatever, a bloggers pics of her home. I don't know what her husband does for a living, but she is awarded the luxury of having her days free to craft and is blessed to live in such an awesome home. Yeah, I'm a little jealous.

35 weeks and counting

2010-01-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

Well I'm 35 weeks pregnant. My baby kicks constantly, she never stops moving and exploring the insides of my belly. It makes me happy to feel her growing strong and long and being curious. But I'm sooo ready to have her be here. With the distraction of the holidays behind us, I can only think about her and the waiting is killing me! I get more and more nervous that something will go wrong. I just want her to arrive safely and be happy and healthy. I feel sick today, headache and snot, and I have just been laying around, feeling anxious, like I should be doing something for her; setting up her crib, which we don't have yet, or folding and refolding her little clothes, which I have already done. I have watched 3 episodes of BBQ Pit Masters already today, which may very well be one of the most pointless shows on television. I hate all this waiting, those of you who know me, know how impatient I am. Nothing interests me right now except her arrival. I have been stumbling online and finding all these blogs of stay home moms, who apparently get to spend their days crafting and doing laundry and making cupcakes, which does not sound bad too me. I am envious of people who can afford to live the lifestyle of their choosing. I hope I can provide an enriching environment for my kiddo. I hope my baby never feels deprived. I hope my kid is not an asshole like I was when I was younger. And all these questions could be answered if she would just get here already.....thank God for my work, that keeps me sane by driving me crazy and keeping me preoccupied.

Good Stuff

2009-12-27T23:01:00.001-08:00

bootays

jersey dress

Shawl Collar Cardigan from Nom de Guerre

coclico ndakinna

J Crew

http://www.healfashionlab.com/

spaces are the places

2009-12-25T21:50:00.000-08:00

I love spaces. They bring a smile to my faces.
Do you have cool room pics? Share them with me. I am a collector.

a very merry madras

2009-12-25T21:19:00.000-08:00

On Xmas eve A and I exchanged presents. He scored a new Ipod and a car stereo....and I got a Wii fit. I still don't know how to feel about it. Maybe once this baby is out I'll feel more up to moving around. We went to my aunt's house for our gift exchange. Although we weren't exchanging anything because we are newly married and a month away from parentdom. Thus; broke. But it was fun. I ate mashed potatoes and drank iced tea and my 1o year old brother facilitated the playing of Apples to Apples which has become somewhat of a tradition.
Then A and I went home and played music til the wee hours of the morn. It was a lovely Christmas; our last one as just a couple. Next year, we'll be a bonafide family unit.
Today we woke up real late, took bubble baths and went and ate Indian Food at Madras Pavilion, which also seems to be becoming a Holiday tradition. Now I am fading fast, as is the magic of Christmas....soon back to work..So I will revel in the copious watching of TV and imbibing of cake and cola until the ringing in of 2010 and the implementation of my new year's resolutions.

2009-12-25T21:03:00.000-08:00

While watching the Return of the Jedi on TV today I noticed some horrible cgi that was apparently added to the 1997 rerelease. OMG. I cannot believe that people prefer the cgi over the original puppetry, I think the original is sooo much better. The cgi looks out of place and the song is terrible. Judge for yourself

The old....

The new....

Let's Talk About Porn

2009-12-17T16:43:00.000-08:00

I think consensual sex between adults is a wonderful thing. I love sex and I like watching strangers have sex. Everyone has physical needs that should be met. But not everyone's needs are created equal. When peoples' physical satisfaction involve the exploitation of others, there is a problem. For this reason, having access to fantasy is a necessity. If someone with a sick fascination to engage in sex with children can watch a seemingly realistic video of a young looking person engaging in sexual acts, than hopefully that sick need can be satiated without ever involving actual children. But what is acted out in the fantasy, must be between consensual adults in a regulated setting. The demand for more hardcore pornography is being met by amateurs luring women and children into situations in which they are violated or taken advantage of, whether by force, brainwashing, or bribery. If a women is reduced to performing sex acts for money, due to a drug habit at one extreme, and the idea of infamy or stardom on the other, she is failing to recognize the damage done to both her own psyche and our societal psyche; as in how we view women. If a person is forced into sex acts against their will, the demand for porn allows room for zero accountability for any of the actors involved in the process. The viewer who stumbles upon a video on the internet will have no way of knowing the reality of the situations displayed. For instance if a forced sex situation is being depicted, how is the viewer to know whether it is in fact reality or well played fantasy? How does the viewer know whether the girl in the video is a youthful looking woman or an actual child? A purveyor of internet porn may not realize that thier monthly bill is providing money to predators involved in human trafficking or child exploitation. However, they might not consider that an issue at all and therefore knowingly contribute to such acts wihout any accountability. On the other hand the creators of amateur porn who manipulate or force women into their videos, or else find willing women who they then degrade so heinously on film, are never held accountable either. I recently saw a comment on a porn video entitled "rough anal" in which the writer states "I love when she starts crying". To me the video seemed very likely a human trafficking situation; while perhaps there by choice (though not entirely willingly) the woman was not at all enjoying herself. If she was acting she deserves an emmy, sadly I doubt she was. There must be a demand for legality in what people can access on the internet. Our children have this sick, violent material at their fingertips and the incidents of child exploitation and rape involving children are on the rise.
Then there is the question, http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=7681343461187927287&postID=7844770731966867289&from=pencilare men to blame? Of course none of these videos could be created without the presence of the women involved. It sickens me to think that women out there would so willingly give over their bodies to be degraded by others, men and women included. But there are also women out there who derive pleasure from pain. So it seems clear to me that it is not in the limiting of the content that should be an issue, as much as the legality of the process. If websites casually post submitted porn without adequate proof of consensuality, age, or the safety of the actors, then more and more women and children are going to fall victims to the rising demand for porn. To put it simply; sometimes I want to see two strangers going at it with total disregard for romance, but I don't want to have to feel guilty that perhaps the woman involved was motivated by fear or money or poor self esteem or was in fact not even of legal age to consent. Is it impossible? I don't think so; It just requires raising our social consciousness, to think more about the consequences of our actions, to question sources, to consider outcomes, to care for the well being of others. Definitely hard, but not impossible. this is an issue close to my heart, go here if you want to get involved.

SIGM MY PETITION

2009-12-17T08:40:00.001-08:00

sign

Give Something Worth a Damn this Christmas

2009-12-16T01:45:00.000-08:00

After watching an incredibly sad movie entitled Very Young Girls, I found out about an amazing program in NY that helps rehabilitate prostitutes. It made me think about the foolishness of Christmas and all its capitalistic bullshit, when suffering never comes to a stand still. There is no holiday for some. So please, this season of giving give something worth a damn and donate time or money to a good cause. Check out local nonprofits in your community and do something to help those less fortunate.

2009-12-10T17:33:00.000-08:00

I think this would be cute for a little boys room.
Functional and educational.

Yes Please!!

2009-12-02T19:16:00.001-08:00

I just finished reading Fall on Your Knees by Ann-Marie Macdonald from the Oprah Book Club. I absolutely loved it. I don't consider myself a great authority on art or literature, but I don't much care for critics either. How can you truly judge something that exists to be a unique experience for each individual that encounters it ? I mean obviously most art conveys a message from its creator, but isnt it a very personal experience in what way a person reacts to it? Can't we all perceive things in our own way? I guess I'm just making this point because some of the reviews on the book were so irrelevant, like commenting on the chronological factuality of statements made. I.e., a character is nicknamed Rudolph for having shiny shoes during WWII, apparently Rudolph wasn't created until the late 30s after WWII. Who reads fiction just to patrol for factual error? Who really cares? Sometimes when it's painfully obvious, factual errors irk me too, but why let it effect you so deeply that you completely overlook the beauty of what is being conveyed? Long story short, read this book and judge for yourself.

The Nipple Game & Other Baby Shower-ettes

2009-11-29T14:26:00.001-08:00

Musical bottle race- Start this game with 3 baby bottles filled with juice. Hand it out in random around the room. When you start the music have the guests pass the bottles like hot potato.

Let everyone know that the person who ends up with a bottle will have to drink it. The person who gets done drinking their bottle first is the winner.

This game is really fun when it is played with guys. The players will realize that they need to suck really hard to get the juice out. They will have hurting cheeks by the time they are done.

Play a gag with this game- seal up one of the nipples so no matter how hard one of the players sucks, nothing comes out. That player gets a prize for trying so hard.

Watch this game being played with a twist. The players could not use their hands to hold the bottle while they were drinking it.

Pregnant Twister- Play twister. Everyone who is not pregnant must wear a pillow with a fanny pack that has weights in them. The pregnant people do not need to put anything else on. Everyone will have a whole new respect for what the pregnant people go through!

Practice Feeding- How good are your feeding skills? Team up players in teams of 2. This game can be played with any type of food that comes prepackaged or bottled. Applesauce or pudding would be good foods to use.

Players will be blindfolded and instructed to feed each other. It is very funny to watch. The team that gets done with feeding their partner first wins.

Ah Shucks

2009-11-27T14:00:00.000-08:00

I am thankful for salsa and iced tea, for ice cold soda pops and sandwiches, for rainy days spent lounging, for beaches and mountains, for best friends that get me, for the ability to move freely, for having a job that allows me to be me, for new shoes and jeweled treasures, for being a wife and a mama to be and a brunette, for movies and literature and art, and for all the good that really does exist in the world....

2009-11-27T00:49:00.001-08:00

Randomness

2009-11-27T00:45:00.001-08:00

Walls of Love

Sleeping Rocks!

I'm Not Dead

2009-11-26T20:20:00.000-08:00

I'm just getting over a wedding. Oh and did I mention I'm 7 months pregnant. And I am feeling weird. Like the day after an acid trip. Weddings are so anti-climactic. I don't know what to do with myself now. I'm back to worrying about my baby and feeling a mix of a million emotions; anxiety, fear, elation, curiosity, fulfillment, emptiness...I mean how is that even possible? I watched an episode of Metalocolypse tonight (a really bad show but definitely not the worst on tv) and Murderface was waiting in the lobby of the doctors office and all these horrible and yet arousing images were flashing before his eyes and I can relate to that. My brain is always flickering. I worry about being a good mommy, I don't worry about being good to my child but about how to find a balance between the questionable things I enjoy and being a good role model for my kiddo. Does that make any sense? Also, does anyone else have a problem with watching the news and getting so wrapped up in a story that it moves you into a place of deep depression? The little girl that was recently murdered, her despicable mother, her heartbroken and forgiving father, the eerie pictures of her murderer holding her like a father would hold a sleepy child.....it makes my brain buzz and my heart hurt. It makes me so scared for my child. I hate to be such a downer, but pregnancy really evokes feelings that have never been addressed before, there is so much involved. In a way though, all these feelings and thoughts I think shows a strong character. Because being a parent is a big deal, and while I'm not reading baby books like a fanatic and I'm not drafting feeding schedules I am preoccupied with being a good mama, and I think there are alot of people out there who don't bother to worry, who don't have these dilemmas. Which makes me think that they are taking it all too lackadaisically. These lackadaisical parents end up with kids that are jerks because no one ever invested in them.

I Am the New Black!

2009-10-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

As you all know 30 Rock is my favorite thing in the world, even my more favoriter than salsa and cheeses and toe socks. Today as I was running ridiculous and insanely expensive wedding errands, my man called to tell me that Tracy Morgan was doing an interview on KUT. He said he thought it might make my day a little better. Oh my man knows me so well. He was already a comedic genius in my eyes, but after listening to his interview I have a new found respect for this guy! You can hear it here.....

j mendel

2009-10-19T21:12:00.001-07:00

I wish this guy could have designed my wedding dress

A Wedding's Wet Dream

2009-10-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

Things that don't apply to me

2009-10-14T17:53:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have B.M.s that smell like halitosis? I don't.

ashley

2009-10-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

dose of happy

2009-10-11T22:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know if pregnancy caused this or if it just brought this to my attention but for the first time in my life I am able to live fully in the moment. Not so long ago, I was either consistently nostalgic for the past or worried about the future. All of the sudden, life is happening and I am reacting to it, without grieving for bygone days or dreaming of the ways it will be different in the future. It is a goddamn enjoyable feeling to "be here now". After years of casually,sarcastically telling people to do just that, it's finally starting to make sense. The here and now is good. The past is gone, it never existed. It is a concept, a bundle of patterns and reactions, a wave of empiricism carrying you into the present. The future will never happen, is always happening. There is only now, so we might as well experience it to the fullest. And on that note, a clown dance.

For Rachel

2009-10-05T16:25:00.000-07:00

When I was sitting on the toilet, reading my book on body issues, I flipped the page and to my dismay the beautiful handmade bookmark that I was so proud of, fell into the toilet. As I'm sure you have deduced by now I was doing what you do on the toilet that allows you time to read. I thought for a while about fishing it out, the little star laden, laminated masterpiece with a picture of a girl dreaming in print, but alas I decided against it and flushed it down instead. Next time, I will check for bookmarks and in the meantime; just try to remember the page.

Things That Don't Apply to Me

2009-10-01T19:26:00.000-07:00

When you're driving and listening to the radio, do you ever find yourself pretending to know sign language and making up signs to all the words? I don't.

Feel Like Getting Your Cry On?

2009-09-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

I started to lose it around 1:52. Dudes, I don't know if I can make it through the whole movie without busting a tear duct. Mariah Carey fitna make me cry again ya'll!!

Saturday's Crazy Sky and Friday's Perfect Dress

2009-09-27T21:24:00.001-07:00

Friday I went dress shopping with a real trooper we'll just call L. I found this dress that fit me boobically but nowhere else. Cry cry. please if you have this dress in a size 8-10 call me.
Then Saturday coming home from IKEA we saw crazy sky....finally I had my camera handy.

A bird in hand

2009-09-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

I made some soap with my students today and while they did not turn out like the snow globe soaps here they did turn out okay....

Falling hard and fast into a light sleep.

2009-09-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from the book I will one day write.

9-26
When I fell asleep it was while reading a book about body image. When I awoke, I was pregnant, 27, covered in backne and wrapped very warmly in a bath robe. It was the same day, the same reality and I had a smattering of drool sticking to my arm hair.

I have found success in many things. I am a masterful award accepter, which I know because I have accepted many awards during my numerous, long, hot showers. I am a gracious and thoughtful gift giver, a writer, a pretty decent dancer, a deep thinker, an okay singer, I imagine I would be really good at directing music videos, and a philosophical warrior who can blog with the best of them. I love tacos and salsa and rainy days and all the good things in life. My turn offs include road kill and the intertwining of violence and sex. Even in my weakest moments I can find secret reasons to celebrate myself. When someone makes me feel like I have done something wrong or acted foolishly, I am hurt, dejected. I pride myself on these feelings, convincing myself and faithfully believing that “it takes a strong character to show weakness” to feel bad about yourself at times shows your humble modesty, your ability to evolve. I am a pretty great person. But all my greatness aside, I have a few minor character flaws. I judge people. I instantly decide whether or not people are of the caliber I will associate with. Usually, I am right in my judging. When I let myself like someone, I find reasons to worship them, to believe they are tremendously together or elevated. I am usually disappointed more so in liking someone than disliking them. If only in my distaste or distrust of people I could remain mute. I cannot however, as I long to bring the world round to my side and have everyone agree with me. In my wanting to make the other guy look bad, I usually end up looking like the biggest loser. I would rather not like at all then to have liked and lost. This is especially true in work relationships. I find it easier to have lasting, although usually superficial relationships with people who I initially despised than ongoing relationships with people I liked right off the bat. The reason of course is that when you don’t like someone at first and they grow on you, you are accustomed to bad feelings towards them and therefore shocked and impressed when they prove you wrong. On the other hand starting off on a high note with people means you can either only go higher (game nights, long telephone calls, road trips) or lower. For me it is almost always, inevitably lower. It starts with me saying something mildly offensive or off kilter and slowly unravels from there. I will never be good at interpersonal connections as I am too much a hodge-podge of emotion and intention. I am a good person who loves crass jokes. I am a vegetarian who loves the smell of barbeque. I am a feminist who likes gangster rap. I can dish it out but I can’t take it well at all. I am a walking contradiction and the world will never fully embrace me. But I tell you what; I can be one funny motherfucker if you let me.

Stuff That Doesnt Apply to Me

2009-09-24T17:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever squeeze the back of your ear and have stuff come out that stinks like cheese? I don't.

Today was a much better day

2009-09-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

While I cannot describe my uncontrollable need for sleep, I would like to say that though I was beyond tired, today was a much better day. I saw Lizzy who I miss terribly and seldom see because she is far too busy being cute as shit!!! Plus I spent a pretty penny on some new nail polish, lotion, body scrub and rubber clogs.
I have been staring at these ultrasound pictures, my little girl is all spine, and what a perfect spine it is. I am so ready for her to be here. I have a couple of names ready to try on my little baby bunting but I will not share them because I do not want anyone elses opinion!!
And while I am on the subject of opinion, I would just like to point out that in my own personal one, asking to be invited to a wedding is a wee bit tacky. I have had so many people asking when they'll be receiving their invite. This puts me, and anyone trying to have a wedding on a budget, in a very awkward position. On one hand, it is expensive to feed 100 people and their dates, not to mention provide them with liquor, favors and a good time. It's a bit presumptuous to assume that you are invited especially when you are not very close to the bride or groom. And even people who are so obviously on the guest list asking me if they'll be invited almost irks me to the point of uninviting them....am I wrong in this? I just think sometimes people can't afford to have a destination wedding but still want a very intimate affair. There are people who I wish could come but I simply cannot invite everybody that I like because it would put me in the poor house. Okay-venting complete!
Also today I had a co-worker tell me that she was surprised we were able to get along so well because when she first met me she did not like me at all. I told her I had felt the same way about her, which was the truth. Then later Liz confirmed the fact that some people find me out right offensive in my sarcasm. I was surprised how absolutely unaffected I was. Usually I'd mull it all over and beat myself up about it, but I am feeling very much above that right now. I feel like I am myself in every moment and there is no part of me that I hide away from public view. I just live out loud so to speak, I never try to hurt people's feelings but sometimes I do and I feel bad about it , when It's brought to my attention. I feel like people either like me right off the bat or it takes them time to warm up to me and grow accustomed to my demeanor, I know it's hard to decipher my behavior sometimes. And occasionally some people just end up never liking me, which is fine. I would rather have relationships based on honesty and real emotion than proximity and convenience....does that make sense. Okay second round of venting complete. And on that note I WILL BID YOU A GOOD EVENING!!! Happy Monday!

I'm Fitna Be A Mama: Lessons in Optimism

2009-09-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a rough weekend. I have always battled bouts of self-loathing. I thought that when I was facing motherhood, I would somehow become this content, peaceful, self loving woman. Like the baby would fill the little hole that I always feel nagging me. Now in my fifth month of pregnancy, it still hasn't hit me and I am beginning to think it never will. I think now I am preoccupied with being scared shitless that I might not be a good mom. Not because of who I am but because of who I am not. I don't want to pass down my insecurities to my kids, I don't want them to feel like any hurdle is too high to overcome. I don't want them to put their self worth in looks or money or status, whatever. I want them be bigger than all that trivial mumbo jumbo. I want to be a strong, positive, grounded mom, who can equip her kids with the tools they need to find success in life and to be good people. Not to mention, after 27 years on this planet, too many true crime tv shows, too much late night googleing about serial killers and a few trips around the block, I have this knowledge of all that is evil in the world that is unshakable. How am I supposed to be a good mama if I am too scared to let my kid out of my sight? All the bad stuff in the world will always be there, lurking around the corner, and I can only hope that my kiddo has the wherewithal to avoid troublesome situations and make good decisions. Oh woe is me. So the lesson in optimism, is this; have it. I am trying to be a self taught optimist. In everyday life, when my mind is preoccupied with my work or school or whatever book I'm engrossed in, I am a pretty happy go lucky gal. I love to have fun and I love laughing and making people laugh. But in those quiet moments when my brain is left to it's own devices, my mind wanders into the dark recesses of the human condition. I think to long and too hard about all that is wrong in the world. Worrying about the welfare of others is not a bad thing and I pride myself on not turning a blind eye to the suffering of others. I think one of the biggest problems in the world is complacency, people don't want to get involved in other peoples lives. And admittedly it is hard to know what to do; it's one thing to be aware and another thing to make a difference. I'll be the first to admit that ignorance is bliss. I wish I didn't know half the crap I do. There are plenty of articles I wish I had never read, plenty of news stories I wish I had skipped. But my biggest fear, is being afraid; living everyday worried that something bad might happen. I just want to be able to move through life with the ability to balance my heartache and my disappointment in humanity with all the beauty that exists in the world. I want to not just stop and smell the roses, but be an active participant in nurturing their growth. If a garden was a metaphor for life, I'd love to spend my days milling around, singing to my tomatoes in my rubber clogs, while my kids run around digging in the dirt and discovering earth worms. It's not a metaphor at all really, that is exactly what I want. I am babbling, I must get to bed as lack of sleep is effecting my brain and my baby. Long story short, life is looking up, because it has to, it simply must; for my well-being and my baby's. Good night and good luck!

Do you like this? I kinda do....

2009-09-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

Girls! Girls! Girls!

2009-09-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

Keri Hilson is toooo hot to handle. I love her and I love this song. Best break up song ever!!

Will I be like the sister from Sixteen Candles on my wedding day....No. I cannot take xanax because I am with child, thank God!

I absolutely j'adore Sharon Tate. I mourn for her daily and wonder what she'd be doing today if still around, not to mention her baby. I have absolutely no sympathy whatsoever for the people who took part in her heinous murder. They should have all been put down, sorry if that is callous. But she did not deserve to die nor did any of their lesser known victims. I love her style and her grace and have written poems in her honor, but they are a sad affair and I will not post them in effort to keep this blog a sad free zone!
I got this pic and others like it from http://starletshowcase.blogspot.com

Love to Hate!

2009-09-17T21:44:00.001-07:00

Christina! Yes she is tacky and nasty and etc etc, but she is a total diva. She is a good mama, has a genuinely loving husband who adores her and the girl has soul. So for that, I tip my hat to you, you dirty girl!!
This chick, sheesh, what a train wreck. But she is so dainty and delicate, and she is always with her baby, I have never seen a nanny holding that child, only mama, which I respect.

These two!
I know it is horrible, they are totally a blight on pop culture and on whatever culture is period, but I love them and I miss them.

Why to be exicted about baby girl.....

2009-09-17T20:05:00.001-07:00

Since today is a sad sack day; because I am under the weather, immeasurably tired, rashy, greasy, swollen and bored...I have been perusing "baby" on etsy and found some cute and cuddly treasures. I am getting more and more excited about baby girl and wish I knew what to do to make this baby get here quicker.....I want to start decorating the baby nook but I don't know where to start. Ho-hum!!

RIP Patrick Swayze!

Today is a sad sack day!!

2009-09-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

At this very moment, I too am staring at a glass of water and wondering "Why"?

NAME UPDATE

2009-09-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

Bijou?? My friend calls her baby girl this as a nickname. What do we think?
Cherokee....as a middle name I guess
Tulluma ...this is a fusion between Tallulah and Paloma which are somewhat popular...
Lucille
Charlie
Evangeline
Tallulah
Paloma
Claude
Quinn
Clementine
Tullah
Isadora (as in Duncan)
Nona was my grandmother's name and it would be a nice homage, but I agree that it does sound like a grandma name and therefore I might abandon it....
Matilde/a...I have always loved this name....

Possible Names for Bambina

2009-09-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

Cherokee
Parish
Tulluma
Gypsy
Lucille
Dolores
Charlie
Evangeline
Tallulah
Paloma
Nona
Claude
Quinn
Clementine
We had our first ultrasound today and saw that little wiggle worm dancin! She is gonna be just like her mama! I had the technologist, Tatyana from Russia, write down what it was and put it in an envelope. The dude and I had planned to find us a cool spot at which to celebrate the news together. Of course, like all things that require sentiment, I have romantic movie expectations that are seldom fulfilled. Long story short, things did not work out as planned, rain came, crying ensued ( I cry alot these days which I blame entirely on the baby) and we ended up discovering our future over enchiladas, his bloody mary, my iced tea and salsa glorious salsa. All in all; a fairly typical day.
BTW Zilker Botanical Gardens are so lovely when it's drizzling outside.....I wish I'd have taken a snapshot of the view....

things to NOT kick out of bed

2009-09-10T01:34:00.001-07:00

This is an ongoing list....of things I adore...

STUFF I DON'T HATE

2009-09-10T00:03:00.001-07:00

Save the baby!!!

2009-09-09T19:07:00.001-07:00

Oh the injustice! this poor little guy can't help that due to centuries of inbreeding he has tiny little legs that have gotten him into a real evolutionary bind!!!! damnit, save that baby!

Good Morning Kitty!

2009-09-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

This kitty reminds me of my Nana!!

Wedding Hair!!! With added Face!

2009-09-08T10:02:00.001-07:00

I am gaga over the milk maid braid and as you all know, I am a huge fan of sloppy locks!
I also added pictures of my perfect wedding face dream!

I need a haircut

2009-09-07T22:55:00.001-07:00

Cute Dress and Cute Braid Hairstyle

2009-09-06T18:39:00.001-07:00

Kids' Rooms I Love

2009-09-06T18:35:00.001-07:00

houses

2009-09-06T03:20:00.001-07:00

Top Picks Street Chic 2009

2009-09-06T01:02:00.000-07:00

I love these images from Street Chic Daily on Elle.com. If I had the patience for fashion, I would attempt to pull off some of these clothing concoctions myself. Side note; apparently no one has cellulite in New York

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Blog Out!

2009-09-06T00:50:00.000-07:00

I always wanted a blog. As a little girl I used to dream about the joys of posting rants, raves and one sided conversations in hopes that complete strangers from all over the world would stumble upon them and discover they too had the same glorious yearnings, adorable quirks, benign passions and innumerable interests. It's a lot like being a song writer and sharing your stories with the world. I have had this blog up for ever it seems and never really known what to write. At first I thought of doing a blog about the plight of breakouts, but that became so self absorbed and inane. So years went by and I got pregnant. Duh: pregnancy blog. But there is really so much more to me than pregnancy, although it is definitely the coolest thing I have ever had bestowed upon me. So I decided on a whatever blog. A blog about whatever interests me. So this page will wander in and out of politics, current events, paper products, music, movies, decorating , food and shoes (Who am I kidding, i'm not gonna f-around with politics or news, I want this page to be a retreat from the real world) and as I change with the seasons, so too shall this blog. So I hope you enjoy the ride!! yours, Camille

2009-08-14T14:54:00.001-07:00

I would like to talk to you today about the joys of my pregnancy. The joys of pregnancy are numerous. The first and most joyous aspect of pregnancy started for me before I knew for sure I was pregnant. I nearly fainted and felt as though I would fall asleep while standing up. In my 6th week is when yet another magical part of pregnancy began. Severe and intense nausea, not just in the morning, but throughout the entire day. Another great thing about pregnancy is that nothing feels normal or comfortable. From backache to heartburn it just keeps getting better. I am in my 14th week and the nausea is still just as strong as ever. I cant keep much down and my stomach is a whirlwind of uncomfortable activity. Not to mention I am so exhuasted. I don't feel like doing anything. I just lay around watching tv and occasionally whimper in pain. Today my dog threw up after I had finished my morning probiotic and of course i upchucked my blueberry kefir all over the floor and had to clean up two piles of puke. So yeah, I would say thus far, it has been a glorious journey.